⚠️ Trigger Warning: Suicide Prevention Awareness.
This post discusses personal suicidal thoughts, experiences of despair, and survival. It may be distressing for some readers.
If you are currently struggling, please don’t feel obliged to read further.
Always prioritise your well-being and consider reaching out to a trusted friend, mental health professional, or a suicide prevention helpline in your country.
Surviving the Darkest Moments: Suicide Prevention Awareness
Once upon a time, there came a period in my life where I wanted to end it all, not just figuratively, for attention or as an edgy way to be different.
For real, like research and planning stuff, I was inches away from an earnest attempt at suicide.
Not the first, this particularly dangerous episode of depression wasn’t during the teenage angst phase as many have experienced, it was later on in my early-twenties.
A period that came after the bubble of young adulthood burst, after a stifling, abusive relationship, during an exodus of friends that I thought had my back 4eva.
Following the unfolding of consequences from years of my misguided choices – I believed that I was left with only one option: end it all.
It consumed me, terrified me, changed me.
Finding a way to go that would impact the least amount of people whilst not hurting myself or surviving in any capacity was ironically my lifeblood for a while.
The way I saw it was textbook for those with strong emotional ability: that nobody cared, that the world was better off without me, that everything was so horrific there was no point going on, that the pain of existing was too much to bear, that death would be the final frontier that held any mystery, enough to soothe me and take it all away in one fell swoop.
I thought I knew it all, had seen enough and that nothing would change. Just like anyone else in my situation considering suicide, how profoundly wrong I was.
Looking back, I see how I believed lies and let them fester.
Backing myself into a state of imagined isolation, seemingly alone, it was really a very close call.
That’s why I now choose to tell my story of survival so publicly in honour of suicide prevention awareness month 2025.
I’ve never been private about it per se, but I didn’t exactly publish anything so openly for strangers to read because of it being such a delicate subject for many, and I don’t claim to be an authority or professional that can help in any way.
Many are even surprised when they learn I know a little something about depression and mental health issues.
Surviving those darkest moments changed everything. What was close to killing me ended up being my ongoing protection, a blessing and something I will forever hold dear.
What Saved Me
Surviving has me so grateful that I’m one of the ones that didn’t die.
Each day of life is a reminder that I had errors in my reasoning, to live is a blessing no matter what, but I couldn’t see back then what is so obvious to me now.
Was it God? Was it destiny? Was it random? I honestly don’t know. Sadly, too many lose their lives prematurely in similar situations, and my heart bleeds for them even if bigger things are at work.
There is no one way I can resume what saved me and I imagine it is different for everyone.
My lifeline was a combination of warm motherly love against all expectations, faith that things could and would change beyond anything that I could imagine and the real dirty, hard work it takes to successfully hold onto the life that I hated at the time and that seemingly hated me back just as much.
Little by little, clumsily and with great challenge I managed to claw myself back into a space where I actually can genuinely say I love my life through the highs and the lows with all my being.
That I can speak lightly about such a dark subject and even find it almost hard to comprehend what was really going through my mind then because it seems such a foreign way of being to me now.
Truly and deeply, at present and in spite of the state of things in the larger world, I am veritably excited for everything that will unfold. I choose to live as long as organically possible for me to do so (without overly synthetic means and transhuman tech might I add, but that’s another story).
Finding Meaning in Survival
Thanks to the change of perspectives I have educated myself with over the years, thanks to the trials, thanks to the teachers and lessons, it is now possible to laugh, to even love life even during the complexities this existence throws out.
Regardless of whether my experience rolls through as “positive” or “negative” – I am not owned by the polarity that has sunk so many before and will continue to do so long after me.
Thanks to this emotional transmutation with dedicated personal development I’m unfazed by the inevitable cycles of life. No matter the demons that come at me, no matter the events that unfold.
It can seem flippant to those that haven’t explored their darkest depths and survived. It can seem impossible to those currently swimming against the current of their treacherous oceans, as unfelt energy from the depths of generations grasp at their beating ankles.
I’m here to say the cliché – everything is possible and we can do it.
Life can be a nightmare or it can be a paradise regardless of whether the world burns around us. Despite most people maintaining the opposite: it has been my experience that we actually choose the way we view life. So why do we ever choose to view all the misery, within us and outside of us?
Each polarity exists regardless of what we do.
Our vision is like a receiver, we choose the channel.
Just like we can focus on the negatives, we can focus on the positives and believe me, I know just as much as anyone when the negatives be hitting, how hard it is to even find the positives.
Yet, that’s the whole point it seems.
Why Suicide Prevention Awareness Matters
Dark, difficult times await everybody on this earth.
It’s almost like the aim of this life is to be constantly tested and tried, it is the push necessary to evolve. None of that is possible in comfort and ease.
The difference that means survival is in finding out how to open the furnace of our hearts and welcome the hardships as fuel to get through it all.
The power of transformation through the elements is real; crying, screaming, releasing, cleansing in a safe container we have loving built for ourselves is no joke, it’s not some woo woo concept.
Sacred and trusted community must be constructed and carefully maintained with compassion. Even if that means starting out with only one person: ourselves.
Honouring our place on this earth, knowing that we are supported and connected to bigger, immaterial things, living naturally with cycles, nourishing with wholeness and reverence for our existence amongst it all.
Healing is an art and it belongs with mother nature – of which we are an intrinsic part of – there is power in accepting her help.
As far as I am concerned it is the only way through to the other side that doesn’t damage us further.
It’s not for everyone, some will prefer chemical medication and synthetic means of dealing with these dark things. Some will opt for the dominant narrative, and that is their path to choose. I wish only well for all.
For the record, I think going all natural is the only hero’s journey worth taking; the true alchemical path where we can take vile matter and make it into radiant gold that shines with the warmth of a million suns.
Not everyone has the capacity to hold that energy.
A Message of Hope
Whichever path is chosen. Even if we might feel entirely alone, like there is no way to come out of the darkest moments, remember that is a lie.
No matter how convincing the darkest thoughts and lies might seem, I’m here to prove that with dedication and effort, anyone can make it through to another reality. One where life is something we truly want to experience and are capable of weathering regardless of how hard it gets.
There is nothing special about me, I’m no better than anyone else, and honestly my friend if you need it, know that those who have made it through really do believe in you. We never truly wander alone.
Final Thoughts
This is my contribution to suicide prevention awareness month 2025: a real story of survival, hope and transformation. My journey is testament that the darkest moments are not the end, but the beginning of a different kind of life.
Life can be messy, but it can also be beautiful. All new life bursts forth from a place of darkness.
Each day is a chance to choose to live, to grow, to connect even if it might seem the opposite right now.
If you are struggling, please know:
Survival is possible, and life on the other side can be wonderful but it takes work and determination. You are capable, but it means choosing yourself wholly and truly, even with your darkness. You mustn’t give up.
You are not alone even if it seems like it. Reach out for professional help from the trauma informed if you do not trust those around you. Do your research and get a second (third, fourth) opinion before medicating or following any heavy or synthetic, chemical protocols.
Those who have made it through really do believe in you, we all contain the opposite of darkness and finding the light, no matter how tiny helps it to grow, until a balance is achieved and we are no longer owned by any of it.
Sincerely yours,
If you have any questions about my story or have any stories to tell about your own mental health trials and how you got through them, please share in the comments if you feel called to.
Explore more observations on conscious living, self-healing, and collective evolution at TheSortingHouse.eu.